The Story of The Arm that Rocked The World
by Anonymouschickadee
Summary: This is the story of Armando, Conrad's current arm. Crack fic. Written for Elobelia's Arm's Race Fic-a-thon/Challenge on the KKM livejournal community. Enjoy. Update: 2nd chapter. Arminius, the story of Conrad's first arm.
1. Armando, Conrad's New Arm

Ok, this is my entry into Elobelia's Arm's Race - Fic-a-thon/Challenge on the KKM livejournal community. Basically it's about creating a story that has to do with Conrad loosing his arm and growing it back, (as she stated, preferably a crack story). I'm not all that experienced with writing crack fics, but I just had to write this one. It's kind of short, (and a little off topic), but I think it's amusing.

Oh, and since I wanted to rate this teen rather than mature I censored some of the more hard-core cuss words, but don't worry, you'll be able to tell what they are. :)

Time for me to shut up and let you guys read my fic.

This is the story of the arm that rocked the world.

* * *

Hello, I'm Armando, Conrad Weller's current arm, and I'd like to tell you all my story.

Well, my life started out just about the same as any other limb's. I was born attached to a baby and I grew along with that baby until he became a man. The exception with me was that my man just wasn't any man, he was a WELLER. Now, if you're not accustomed to the family history of the Wellers, well then you probably shouldn't be alive because they are F***ING AWESOME!

You have no freaking idea. My life with Lawrence was like the best thing ever! Most arms have boring regular lives, they lift up stuff and hold stuff down and open stuff an all. Yeah, it pretty much sucks. But not me, oh no, not me. My entire life with Lawrence was spent kicking other arm's asses, (you know, if they had them).

All day long we traveled the country sword fighting all these losers and taking them down. They'd be all "Lawrence Weller! We're here to kick your ass and show the world how totally awesome we are!" and their arms would be all like "yeah bitch, watch me swing this sword and bring you down."

Then me and Lawrence would be all, "bitch, please" and kick there asses. He'd move me back and forth like a pro and we'd cut those sorry sons of bi***es to pieces. Then they'd be laying on the ground dead and their arms would be all "Oh sh**! Why the hell couldn't we be attached to a awesome guy like that?" And then I'd be all "hahahahahaaa! You just suck too much!"

Yes, life was good.

Then the war came. I was young back then and didn't care much about the details, but apparently some crazy dark magic spirits or some sh** like that wanted to take over the world and this blonde guy was like "hells no!" Anyway, long story short he requested the assistance of Lawrence and I in helping him save the world, (of course he did, he'd be a dumbass if he didn't).

OMG that was such an awesome time! We spent like all day just running and swinging around and cutting the hell out of sh**! These creepy mummy people or whatever would just come up to us and be like "urg! We are totally sucky and you are so awesome we must destroy you! Urg!" And then me and Lawrence would be like "hahahahaha bitch please" and slice the sh** out of them.

Ahh….good times, good times. But anyway, eventually me and Lawrence, (and some other people who all looked like either models or hookers), won the war and that blonde guy came up to us and was like "hey, we need to make sure this black sh** doesn't like try to take over the world again" and so me and Lawrence were like "leave it to us man, we totally got it."

So the blonde guy cut up the black stuff, (I totally could have done that a hundred times better), and put it in these boxes and them made Lawrence and I and some other models/hookers keys to the boxes and was like "don't let this sh** get out or it's gonna be like really, really bad."

And I thought that was that, but I was wrong, oh so wrong.

Turns out the dumb blonde got himself infected with some of that black sh** when he was cutting it up, (what a looser, Lawrence and I never would have let that happen), so he had to go commit suicide or whatever and have his dumbass soul put in this temple with the boxes. Of course, being the dumbass that he was he couldn't even pick out proper guards for his stupid temple and some of the boxes got stolen.

And, as you can imagine, some idiot out there had to think that they could use them to make themselves more awesome than Lawrence and I so they had to go all crazy-psycho bitch on us.

Now, by this time me and Lawrence were a little bit older than we were when we'd first started out cutting up sh**, and he'd ended up knocking some chick up and had a son and all and was trying to act more mature like, (really, Lawrence, giving up being awesome to be a dad? Thank goodness Dan Hiri didn't make a stupid mistake like that), so he'd become the king of Big Shimaron and was like "hells yeah, I'm the f***ing king!"

It was kind of cool, until these dumbasses decided to screw it all up. They set fire to our city and then broke into the castle and were all like "hey, Weller, we wanna rock like you so we're taking your super cool arm and using it to unlock all of your awesomeness from this box!" So of course Lawrence was like "hell no! Like any of you could ever be as super cool as I am!"

Now, Lawrence may have been totally awesome, but he wasn't always the brightest bulb in the bunch. Rather than just use me to take all those suckers down he decided to cut me off and throw me out the window to ensure that those jerks could never unlock his awesomeness.

Then he got killed. Damn it Lawrence!

And you know what happened to me? That blonde guy showed up again and was all like "OMG! It's Weller's arm! I'm gonna keep it and make myself more awesome!" It totally sucked. Seriously, I was just like floating around doing nothing for like 4,000 years until the blonde guy got fed up because he couldn't abstract the awesome from me and decided to give me to someone else.

Even though my life had sucked while I was with him I wasn't to excited about going with anyone else because seriously, who could be more awesome than Lawrence Weller?

You wouldn't f***ing believe it. The guy that I was given to was Conrad Weller! WELLER! Another freaking Weller! I was like "hells yeah!"

OMG, life with Conrad is so freaking awesome. It's just like when I was with Lawrence, only Conrad is half demon so he ages a lot slower and I don't have to worry about all that "I'm getting older I need to be more mature" crap for a long time. All day we run around kicking people, (and their arms), asses, leaning against walls looking hot, and sometimes playing this baseball game which is fun because if I want I can angle the ball so it hit's the maou in the head and he's such a pushover he's like "oh no, that was my bad!"

Sweet.

And guess what Conrad said when I told him my name was Armando? You wouldn't believe it, he was like "that's freaking hilarious!" No one ever gets that! YES! CONRAD YOU ROCK ASS!

So, all in all, my life has been pretty awesome. I got to chop up a lot of people and hang out with like the two most awesome people in history, (if only Dan Hiri hadn't been such a dumbass and died then maybe I could have hung out with him too. Seriously? Conrad never dies! Even when he should! What was up with those previous Wellers?).

Anyway, that's my story. I hope you've all enjoyed it, but I gotta go because Conrad just let someone kidnap the maou so we could go chase after him and kick some more ass, (you don't really think he's that incompetent, do you? He's just one hell of a sneaky bastard).

Peace out ya'll. HEY YOU! GET THE F*** OVER HERE SO CONRAD AND I CAN CUT YOU TO SH**!

_Meanwhile, at the bottom of the ocean…._

Conrad's First Arm: "F***ing A'."


	2. Arminius, Conrad's First Arm

Ok, this is a completely unexpected and unplanned second chapter. It's not as funny as the first chapter so don't be disappointed, (though I think it's actually more sarcastic). It really has nothing to do with the Fic-a-thon/Challenge, so don't be confused by it. After this the story is done. Really. No, really!

I just couldn't leave Conrad's first arm sitting on the bottom of the ocean like that, not being awesome.

Did you know that Arminius is an actual Germanic name? Boo-Yeah!

* * *

Hello, I'm Arminius, Conrad Weller's old arm, and I'd like to tell you all my story.

My life with Conrad could only be described as exceptional. I achieved more with him in the short while that we were together than a thousand arms could achieve with their owners in a lifetime, (you know, demon lifetime. Humans die way to young, probably because they aren't awesome like Conrad. Then again, who is? ).

I remember the day we touched our first sword. We were about, oh I'd say, three hours old? Anyway, we were sitting peacefully in this little baby bed thing next to that lady who we popped out from, (I later learned her name was Lady Celi…or Cheri…whatever….), when this soldier came up to inform Cheri that her husband had just arrived back from some trip to the human lands where he had been kicking ass.

As the soldier turned around to leave, Conrad and I reached out to his sword and took a tight hold of it's handle. As the soldier continued to walk the sword began to get unsheathed. Just before it was out the soldier realized what was happening and turned around quickly, pulling the sword entirely free.

Of course, at the time Conrad and I weren't strong enough to hold the sword, (Oh come on! We were three f***ing hours old!), so the sword fell and went straight through the soldier's boot. I later learned that he lost his big toe from the incident.

I don't believe anything so awesome as that has ever happened in the history of arms ever before. WE TOOK OUT A GUY'S TOE WHEN WE WERE THREE HOURS OLD! BOO-YEAH!

Anyway, as you might have imagined, our relationship with swordplay continued to progress throughout the years.

At the age of two we poked out a maid's eye playing with a wooden sword Dan Hiri had given us as a present. At the age of four we picked up a butter knife off of the table and cut off the tip of a servant's finger with it. And at the age of ten we stabbed a soldier whom we caught hitting on Cheri in the back with his own sword, severing his spinal cord. He never walked again.

Yes, we were awesome.

Then, at the age of about 16, (around the human 3-4), Dan Hiri decided it was time to give us our own real sword and take us out into the world so we could rock it. And rock it we did.

A week after we left home for the first time we were attacked by bandits. Of course they were interested in us, besides the fact that we were the most amazing people in the world Conrad was also the maou's son, and they could have earned a hefty sum from kidnapping us.

What dumbasses.

Dan Hiri was the only one of us at the time who could step down from a horse by himself, so he was the one to take most of the bandits out. Arms and legs and heads and donkeys went flying everywhere. The air was so heavy with screams it was like hiding under the bed when Dan Hiri and Cheri got it on, (those memories still haunt me).

That was the first time Conrad and I killed someone. He was a fat man, covered in a thick beard with an eye patch over one eye. Of course, upon seeing the eye patch, Conrad and I knew that he had to die. No one as lame as him should ever be able to wear an eye patch, (watch out Geigen Huber, we have our eyes on you).

As he reached out to grab us, Conrad whipped out our brand new shiny sword and drove it straight through his thick skull. The hardest thing about it was cleaning up all the blood off our sword when it was over.

Yes, we rocked ass.

Then that fateful day came, so many months ago.

We had learned about a possible kidnapping of the current maou, (kidnapping? Big surprise), by this really sparkly purple haired guy and were ordered to accompany him to rescue the maou before he could be kidnapped, (that's no fun). Then this little creepy girl with a weird name shows up and is all like "please take me with you I want to see my daddy!" What a whinny little bastard.

But Mr. Sparkles said it was ok so we ended up having to take her along, (because of course, you can never have enough children on a life-threatening dangerous missions, right?).

We rode out to this shop where the maou popped out of this barrel of alcohol, (I think he'd been there the whole time he was supposed to be on earth. Honestly, if you knew the guy. No one can be that much of a idiot without being a drunk), and we were all ready to ride out with him and little bastard when Mr. Sparkles get's shot by an arrow and dies or whatever.

So we decide to take maou idiot and little bastard to this church where we can use holy water to send him back to earth through a painting, (which I don't get at all, but whatever, if Conrad says it'll happen, believe me, it'll happen. He's awesome like that).

Then we get attacked by ninjas. Ninjas! I was like "oh hell yes! Finally, something interesting to do!" So we're battling the ninja's and all when one of these ass****s chops me off.

WTF? He chopped me off! How the hell did that happen? Conrad is like the most awesome person ever, how could he let someone chop me off like that?

Well, that's the last thing I remember before I was found by Conrad's two brothers, Mr. I-Sit-On-My-Ass-All-Day-And-Do-Paperwork and Mr. I-Want-To-Be-A-Slut-Like-My-Mother-But-My-Damn-Fiancee-Wont-F***-With-Me.

And as you can imagine, it was all hell from there. I got kidnapped by this loser, taken to another bigger loser who was also a whinny little bitch, (his name was Adelbert…or something like that), and then this other loser who spend most of his time playing with string, (after spending my life with Conrad hanging out with these morons made me want to kill myself….if that's even possible).

Then they put my into a box, released some of Conrad's awesomeness, and the world almost ended, (just couldn't handle the awesomeness).

So then the maou stops it, (WTF dude, why did you shut off the awesomeness?), and then decides that I'm too awesome to let fall down into a crevice and risks his life to save me, (only useful thing he's ever accomplished). So then Conrad's almost-slut brother shows up and saves us, (the only useful thing he's ever accomplished), and we end up meeting with his other brother which shocked the hell out of me because he's always in his office sitting on his ass.

Then that dumbass maou decides to bury me, the slightly-less-dumbass blonde brother saves me, and the dumbass lazy brother decides to put me in a box and throw me into the ocean.

What the hell?

So now, here I am, just sitting here at the bottom of the ocean, floating around in this limb-o, doing nothing when I'm probably the greatest arm that exists today. Once you've been attached to a Weller, you can never be unawesomed.

Maybe one day I'll get to kick some ass again and show you all what I'm talking about.

_Meanwhile, in Big Shimaron…._

"Oh shit!" Yozak said as he ran around from one alleyway to another trying to escape the pack of ninjas who had discovered him. He was supposed to be in Big Shimaron gathering information about a possible takeover of Caloria when he'd gotten side tracked watching the king's wife get undressed. Then he'd gotten sidetracked helping her undress. Then he'd gotten side tracked….well….you get it.

Anyway, suddenly the king barged in, saw what was going on, and called for his small army of ninja's to eliminate Yozak.

So now here he was, running down the street, (in women's underwear that weren't his own and were seriously riding up on him), trying to escape the ninjas. Before he could turn the corner another group of ninja's popped out of nowhere in front of him, forcing him to break through the window of the nearest building.

Which just happened to be a bar, (yeah right Yozak, _just happened_).

The battle that ensued involved the breaking of multiple bottles of alcohol, (which just served to piss off Yozak even more), and the knocking over of a candle. Which of course, ignited the alcohol. Which of course ignited the bar.

Soon Yozak was trapped at the top story of the building with three ninja's ready to cut his head off and a fire on the bottom story ready to burn his ass off. And he had an excellent ass so that would be such a huge waste.

Looking out the window behind him and then back at the ninjas, Yozak gave one of his f***-you! smiles and dove straight through the glass just as the building collapsed on itself.

*_lalalalalal-break-lalalalala*_

Yozak opened his eyes to find himself inside what appeared to be a hospital, staring at a strange blonde lady with tiny breasts, (which totally sucked).

"Ah, good, you're awake," the lady said. Yozak groaned, reaching out to touch his head only to realize that he couldn't. Looking to his side, Yozak discovered that he was missing his arm.

"WHAT THE F***ING HELL?" He screamed, causing the blonde lady to jump back.

Once she calmed down, she proceeded to explain everything to him. "Sir," she began, "it appears as though you were in some type of accident. From what we can tell, you jumped out the top story of a burning building and landed arm-first, probably to make sure that your pretty face wasn't messed up."

Yozak nodded.

She continued. "Anyway, we weren't able to save your arm, but don't worry, your face is just fine."

"Oh thank god," Yozak stated, sighing in relief. A moment later…. "WHAT THE F*** DO YOU MEAN YOU COULDN'T SAVE MY ARM?"

_*lalalalala-break-lalalalalala*_

"Ah….I have found you…." a voice echoed through the box.

"WTF? Who the hell are you?" Arminius stated as he was suddenly and unexpectedly transported from his watery grave.

_*lalalalala-break-lalalala*_

"Where…where am I….?"

"Umm…..I'm not really sure. It's just like some mystically blurry place where I let things float around."

"Oh…ok…."

"Anyway, Yozak Gurrier, I have watched you for many years and have witnessed your loyalty to Shin Makoku and have decided to reward you by restoring your arm."

"You're gonna give me my arm back?"

"Well…not exactly…"

"But you just said!" "Shut up!"

"Anyway….well…here you go!"

Yozak looked to his side, seeing that indeed there was an arm where nothing had once been.

"Oh, awesome. Hey, wait, this isn't my arm!"

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't."

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't. My arm was a lot more buff."

"OK! No it isn't! Shesh, you'd think you'd be more grateful. Anyway, don't be so whiny. This arm is awesome. It once belonged to a Weller."

"Wait, you mean like Conrad?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"I just can't ok! Anyway, enjoy it well."

"I guess…well, it does feel awesome….and with the proper workout I'm sure I can get it as muscily as my last one was."

"Muscily isn't a word."

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't."

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't."

"Shut up!"

_*lalalalala-break-lalalalala*_

Arminius: "F*** YEAH!"


End file.
